Saturday, December 8, 2007

The Golden Compass This Weekend

The Golden Compass your movie of choice. I’ve not yet seen the film myself, and judging by early accounts, it actually may not be all that good. But that is of no matter, because what’s important is that the film makes enough money at the box office for New Line Studios to reasonably justify adapting the two subsequent novels in Phillip Pullman’s epic fantasy trilogy His Dark Materials into for the big screen as well.

You see, I’ve just finished reading the trilogy myself (Warning: SPOILERS AHEAD), and while I found it to be to be a pleasant-enough though not-life-changing read, I am dying for these books made into major blockbusters. It’s not that I particularly want to see these movies so much as I want to see how hilariously pissed off conservative Christians get when they get wind of the news that the godless heathens in Hollywood have gone and made a kid’s movie about a girl and her “daemon” who - along with the help of witches, gypsies, talking polar bears, flying creatures from hell and two gay angels who’re pissed about being cast out from God’s kingdom on account of his intolerant attitude towards their angelic homosexuality - are trying to kill God and destroy the Catholic church for the betterment of all human existence.

Can you imagine how steamed those lunatics who protest Harry Potter as “witchcraft” are going to be when their kids are begging them to go see a movie with major stars that’s literally about killing God? Oh man, they’re gonna be so peeved, and boy is it going to be hilarious for the rest of us to watch the steam exploding out of their ears as they try to wrap their brains around the fact that a bunch of Hollywood types (Jews probably) took what is perhaps the most heretic story imaginable, had Nicole Kidman star in it, and released the film in thousands of theaters across the country, just in time for Christmas.

It warms my cockles just thinking about a scenario so hilariously awesome, so please, skip seeing sissy movies like Enchanted and put your ten bucks into buying a ticket for a film about God-slaying and bad-ass polar bears, because that’s also a ticket for a whole country’s worth of seriously pissed off evangelicals. And you know how funny they can be when they get good and riled up.

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